Snitching on Snitched

SNITCHED! – AN UNEXPECTED TURN OF EVENTS

2007-07-16T23:11:53Z

Headline News:

For the last five days, Hogwarts has been under siege from a horde of undead. The attack began shortly before the school term was due to end, meaning several students and teachers have been trapped inside the school, unable to return home.

Your valiant reporters were among those who managed to escape before the attack escalated, but in the name of the truth we have returned to the castle by our own methods and have been monitoring the situation closely. Some enterprising students have found methods of fighting off the attackers with the cunning use of Muggle records. We have also discovered that these foul creatures can be repelled with fire, and can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain.

Seventh year prefects Severus Snape and Remus Lupin were spotted escaping from the library, which was by then overrun by the attackers. Nobody is certain what has happened to the two students, but there are rumours of a 'flaming cocktail' production line having been set up in the Slytherin Common Room to be used to fight the undead hordes.

Though it is equally likely that certain enterprising students are merely using this as a cover up in order to mask the return of the Full-Moonshine dealership! Only time will tell.

We will be distributing this newsletter throughout the castle. If you have been separated from your friends, make your way if possible to Gryffindor Tower, which remains as yet unbreached by the intruders. Of course, you'll have to put up with the sickening sight of Potter and Black canoodling, so staying put and being eaten may be preferable.

--

Minor News:

As announced at the end of term feast, Gryffindor beat Hufflepuff by thirty-five points to take the House Cup this year, with Slytherin trailing behind in fourth place with only two hundred and seventy-five points.

--

Bertha Jorkins and Davy Gudgeon were discovered in a compromising position in one of the Potions classrooms earlier this week. Their claim that they were practising for the end of term Latin dance competition has not been refuted by other members of Hogwarts' Modern Dance Society, though this reporter has suspicions as to whether the Latin aspect of the dance requires both parties to be so scantily clad.

--

Features:

At great risk to our own lives, Get Snitched have endeavoured to speak with one of these undead attackers. You can read the full interview by touching your wand to the text below.

Why are you attacking the school?

"Mmmrghhh"

I see. If you don't mind me asking, why are you all dead? It doesn't seem very hygienic.

"Rraanngrhhhh."

What is it you want from us? Are you campaining for undead rights?

"Mmmargghhnnenfhhhdhkk"

So the prospect of a peaceful protest didn't appeal to you?"

"AAGRHGHHNDNFHHHRHH"

Well, thank you for your time.

Rita Skeeter
kissy kissy

SNITCHED! - PRESS CONFERENCE EXCLUSIVE

2006-12-15T18:26:41Z

Welcome! Welcome, everyone.

Come on, squash in. No need to be shy. Now, as some of you know, due to a rather unfortunate incident I was banned from publishing this newsletter until the New Year, but don't you worry. I'll be back before you know it to fill you in on all the juicy gossip.

In the meantime, the powers that be have graciously agreed to let me hold this modest little press conference. There's butterbeer at the back there, or pumpkin juice for the younger students and Lupin. Don't look at me like that, young lady. I know what you're like with half a shandy in you. As, I might point out, does the rest of the school.

Now, How are we all today? Any questions before we begin?

SNITCHED! – DRUNKENNESS AND DEPRAVITY

2006-06-21T00:02:53Z

Headline News:

All students are warned to Watch Out! this week, as the Hogwarts Black Market spirals out of control. It seems that some students have been illegally producing alcohol and selling it to the general student populace disguised as knockoff cold and hayfever remedies. There have been reports of students as young as first and second years holding raves in the Charms classrooms and staggering through the corridors half dressed between classes.

Clearly this depravity cannot be allowed to continue. The minds of our innocents are being ruined, and it isn't even due to Sirius Black! (Though should we perhaps be suspicious of the name Black Market!?)

Everyone ought to make sure they are on the lookout for suspicious behaviour. Any information regarding the brewing or distribution of this so-called 'Full-Moonshine' must be brought immediately to the attention of either the Get Snitched team or a member of the teaching staff.

Reliable sources point to the sixth year Slytherins as highly likely candidates for this shocking venture, and no doubt their endeavours are being led by none other than sixth year prefect Severus Snape, a master of manipulation and enterprise.

Do not allow this horror to continue! Hooch leads to revelry! Revelry leads to Disco!

Just say NO to ~~Moonshine~~ Disco, kids.

Rita Skeeter
Kissy kissy

SNITCHED! – ARSON AND ARSE-BANDITRY

2006-05-30T20:11:14Z

Publishing laws enforced in Hogwarts by the sixth year Prefects have recently made distribution of these leaflets difficult, however thanks to a rather nifty little loophole discovered in the rules, Get Snitched is now back in circulation with a bumper issue to get you all up to speed on the debauched goings-on of Hogwarts' teeming underworld.

Headline News:

Demonstrating a disturbing leap of sanity, James Potter (sixth year, Gryffindor) set fire to his dormitory in a desperate cry for attention from his boyfriend, Sirius Black (sixth year, Gryffindor), who it appears has spurned Potter’s affections in favour of another close friend, Remus Lupin.

We at Get Snitched see it as a startling coincidence that Mister Lupin should have been in the dormitory in question at the time Potter set alight to it, and what’s more that Potter should have blamed the incident on Lupin’s fellow sixth year Prefect, Lily Evans. Evans is a model student and steadfast upholder of the school rules, despite her fondness for tipping the velvet, and the suggestion that she might have performed deliberate arson is preposterous to say the least.

It has been speculated that Potter could not have conducted such a calculated attack alone, and the timely disappearance of another Gryffindor sixth year, Peter Pettigrew, is rumoured to be linked to these shocking occurrences. Whether Pettigrew was an accomplice who knew too much, or whether he happened to discover what Potter was planning to do and had to be dealt with, we do not know. If you have any information as to Pettigrew’s whereabouts, please contact us.

Following the attempted murder of his best friend, Potter then started getting intimate with Lily Evans, perhaps in a vain attempt to spark jealousy in Black. When this failed, he staged an asthma attack, convincing everyone he was dying.

Potter seems to be even more of a cruel, calculating sort than Black, and Get Snitched would advise students to keep well away from him. Indeed, Potter makes Black seem like a puppy in comparison.

--

Minor News:

Much to the amusement of many, Remus Lupin (sixth year, Gryffindor) sprained his ankle recently, a fact that was exploited continuously by his friends. However, this entertaining little jaunt turned sour when Lupin and a friend decided to experiment with drugs. Such behaviour in a Prefect is utterly disgraceful, and Get Snitched will be taking this information to Professor Dumbledore.

Just say no to ~~disco~~ drugs.

Perhaps still under the influence of these drugs, Lupin was later to be found scaling the roof of Gryffindor Tower in an inappropriate state of dress. These events are grave indeed, though Get Snitched has since learned that Lupin may have been cajoled into performing these acts by the infamous Sirius Black, a fact which doesn’t surprise us at all.

--

Lily Evans (sixth year, Gryffindor), Prefect and lesbian, seems to have added another string to her bow. Rumours have been flying of her supposed vampirism. In a disturbing chain of events, Hogwarts seems to be overrun with madmen and dark creatures. Before we know it there’ll be werewolves in our midst. Get Snitched advises everyone to take extra care, particularly those in Gryffindor.

--

Our resident bumboys, Lupin and Black, made their relationship official the other day, following Lupin’s near-death experience. Since then they have been involved in various disgusting endeavours, first in the Prefect’s bathroom, during which Black supposedly suffered a rather humiliating experience.

Lupin was also spotted later that week exposing himself indecently in the library. Black’s influence is highly suspected.

--

Advertisements:

Sirius Black (sixth year, Gryffindor) would like to know if there are any other students interested in forming a knitting circle. Black has recently been taking up new hobbies and would like to encourage others to do the same. The group will meet on Wednesdays in Professor Flitwick’s Charms classroom.

Rita Skeeter
Kissy kissy

getsnitched @ 2006-03-27T00:17:00

2006-03-26T23:20:11Z

Warm felicitations to all my dedicated readers. Today I bring you a very special report on one of Hogwarts' most infamous occupants.

Ladies and gentlemen, ghosts, elves and Snapes, I present to you a tale of mystery, intrigue and debauchery. This, is Sirius Black.

Not content merely to wreak havoc with the once-innocent minds of certain friends by seducing them and thoroughly ruining their good reputation, Mister Black has apparently been working his way through the school, slutting his way from one respectable student to the next like a particularly promiscuous bumblebee.

"He cornered me in the Quidditch shed" says Davy Gudgeon, eyes glistening with the horrific remembrances "He said it was all part of inter-house relations and if I told anyone he'd feed me to a werewolf"

This blatant and shocking example of bullying and intimidation just goes to show that Black is clearly in need of psychiatric attention, or possibly a well-timed castration. And this is only the beginning, it's also rumoured that Black was discovered in flagrante with both Rodolphus and Rabastan Lestrange of Slytherin, by a sixth year Hufflepuff, Bertram Aubrey. That Aubrey was later that same week hexed in a vicious attack by Black and his cohort Potter comes of little surprise.

Mister Black's exploits are not limited to students, however, nor even - to this reporter's horror and disgust - to human beings. His debauched and perverted cavorting appears to involve a certain caretaker's precious feline, Mrs. Norris. The Get Snitched Team are disturbed and appalled to discover that there are indeed things in this world worse than disco.

A few of Black's other unsavoury tastes appear to include a disturbing fondness for other people's toes, a strange fixation on Gryffindor's head of house, Professor Minerva McGonagall, and of course an unhealthy obsession with disco. Not to mention he apparently shares his bed with a teddy bear named Mr. Giggles. The mind reels. Get Snitched recommends that Mister Black consider hermitry as a future career, or perhaps offers himself up as a test subject for new potions.

"He was born with an extra toe on his left foot. There's still a scar left from its removal." - Regulus Black

I think, as I'm sure you'll agree, that really says it all.

Rita Skeeter
Kissy kissy

SNITCHED! - SLAVERY AND SNOGGING

2006-03-16T19:24:11Z

Headline News:

Aiden Lynch (first year, Ravenclaw) has been discovered to be working in the service of one Gaspard Shingleton (seventh year, Slytherin). The boy claims he was kidnapped after Charms on Tuesday and has been passed from student to student, sold as a slave on the school's black market trade. Get Snitched is firmly against any sort of slavery and has therefore begun a campaign to abolish the capture and enslavement of first years.

"They made me lick their shoes clean" says traumatised Aiden, shivering from beneath a blanket.

"We were just trying to teach him valuable life skills" – Gaspard Shingleton

It is suspected that the enslavement trend (believed to be spread far wider throughout the school) was founded by a group of Slytherins. No suspects have yet been identified, but Get Snitched certainly have their own ideas as to possible culprits. Anyone with any information, we beg you to come forward. Put an end to slavery! ~~And disco.~~

--

Minor News:

The school's gamekeeper Rubeus Hagrid has complained of disturbances in his vegetable patch. Apparently a large number of root vegetables have been mysteriously disappearing in the night, and there are currently no clues to suggest who might be behind this veg-napping.

Again, anyone with information, please do let us know. Hagrid's patch is counting on you.

--

Gilderoy Lockhart (fifth year, Hufflepuff) has reported missing a most beloved friend, a teddy bear named Aloysius. He's offering a substantial reward ~~and sexual favours~~ for the bear's safe return

--

The illustrious Get Snitched team have finally managed to procure an interview with the elusive Marlene McKinnon, so prepare yourselves for some probing questions and some very frank answers.

Miss McKinnon. Marlene, if I may. Are you really having a relationship with James Potter?

"You might call it that. Then again, you might not."

So you're definitely straight then?

"None of your business, you nosy cow."

Tell us about Potter. Is he a good kisser?

"That depends how drunk he is."

What about Lily Evans? Was she a good snog?

"I refuse to answer that question. But she's better than James."

Speaking of Potter, were you aware that he thinks of Lily Evans as his girlfriend?

"…"

Never mind. Now, on a slightly unrelated topic, you share a dormitory with Dorcas Meadowes, is that right? Is it true that she has a penis?

"£$@&%!"

Excellent, thank you.

--

Don't forget to send in any questions and comments to us. In the next issue we hope to bring you some exclusive, hitherto unknown facts about Sirius Black. You heard it here first!

Rita Skeeter
Kissy kissy

SNITCHED! - DOILIES AND DYKES

2006-03-13T12:03:35Z

Minor News

Following our mention in the last issue of a certain Gryffindor's missing doily collection, Peter Pettigrew is now holding a Doily Amnesty to ensure the safe return of the doilies, and the safety of everyone around him. Sharp implements may be employed. Get Snitched suggests that perhaps Mister Pettigrew should try a course of intense psychotherapy, as not only does he clearly have an unhealthy obsession with his doilies, he also appears to have anger management issues. This is, however, a common Gryffindor trait. It’s all down to shouting, as far as they’re concerned.

--

Investigations are still continuing into the sexual preferences of James Potter's new girlfriend, though opinions were swayed slightly by last night's bed-breaking dormitory romp fest the two apparently embarked on. It's rumoured that following this outright bout of vandalism, all the boys in the dormitory were forced to share one bed, Potter and his dyke having broken every other in the room.

--

The school's caretaker Argus Filch appears to have found his way into his 'diary' once again. Please guard your communications carefully, and do not let these newsletters fall into the wrong hands. Having said that, if they do, Get Snitched has ways of making sure we stay in business.

--

And now, as promised, an interview with ~~Miss~~ Mister Remus Lupin.

Mister Lupin. Remus, if I may. As a Prefect it's your job to set an example to younger students. What sort of impression do you think you've been giving recently?

"Er-"

We'll come back to that. Now. Can you shed any light on the rumours about you and Sirius Black?

"What- Um. What rumours would those be?"

That you and he are having an illicit affair right under the noses of your fellow housemates. Remus, are you confused about your sexuality?

"No! Of course I'm not. I know exactly what sexuality I am."

Of course you do. Now, is it true that you're carrying Sirius' illegitimate child?

"Don't be ridiculous, that's impossible. And anyway you have to have se- er, never mind."

Personally I think Trixie is an incredibly tacky name, but never mind that. Do tell us about your collection of exciting underwear, Remus.

“This is ridiculous. I’m goin-- Will you please let me out. Why is this door locked?”

My public have a right to know what goes on in this school.

“And I have the right to put you in detention, now please open this door.”

As we can see from this, Mister Lupin is clearly in denial, and Get Snitched can only recommend that the entire dormitory is placed in psychotherapy until they all start acting normally.

Following the previous interview, I managed to catch up with Remus again in the library and put to him a couple of questions that were suggested by some of you.

Why are you in such denial?

"I'm not in denial!"

I rest my case. Now, Remus. Can you change a lightbulb?

"I've never tried. I don't see why not. There's probably a manual on it somewhere."

Finally, dear, tell us your thoughts on disco.

"... No comment."

And does Sirius really only use books to hide porn behind?

"Leave me alone, you blood-sucking vulture!"

And that, as they say, is that.

Rita Skeeter
Kissy kissy

SNITCHED! - JUST SAY NO TO DISCO

2006-03-12T14:30:13Z

Never ones to pass up an excuse to party, the Gryffindors once again danced the night away on Friday in celebration of Remus Lupin's seventeenth birthday. It's a well known fact that disco can't go far without gay hanging on its coattails, but the homosexual ambience was practically running down the walls.

While we at Get Snitched like to try as much as possible to prevent our personal opinions clouding our judgment, we must point out that we do not condone disco in any form, and particularly when Gryffindors are involved. Disco is Dangerous. Say no to Disco.

"I've never seen such a foetid den of debauchery" - Regulus Black

Well we have, Regulus. We have. And it's called The Christmas Gryffinslut Orgy.

--

As promised we have located Mister (or Miss?) Lupin and will be interviewing him shortly. Any and all questions you have for him will be immensely welcome. ~~Make him squirm for me.~~

Also I have been asked to include this plea for the location of a missing doily collection, at the behest of one Peter Pettigrew, Gryffindor. A substantial reward may or may not be provided for their safe return. Sirius Black will be castrated if they don't make an appearance soon. Oh dear.

Rita Skeeter
Kissy kissy