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SNITCHED! – AN UNEXPECTED TURN OF EVENTS [Jul. 17th, 2007|12:11 am]
Get Snitched!
Headline News:

For the last five days, Hogwarts has been under siege from a horde of undead. The attack began shortly before the school term was due to end, meaning several students and teachers have been trapped inside the school, unable to return home.

Your valiant reporters were among those who managed to escape before the attack escalated, but in the name of the truth we have returned to the castle by our own methods and have been monitoring the situation closely. Some enterprising students have found methods of fighting off the attackers with the cunning use of Muggle records. We have also discovered that these foul creatures can be repelled with fire, and can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain.

Seventh year prefects Severus Snape and Remus Lupin were spotted escaping from the library, which was by then overrun by the attackers. Nobody is certain what has happened to the two students, but there are rumours of a 'flaming cocktail' production line having been set up in the Slytherin Common Room to be used to fight the undead hordes.

Though it is equally likely that certain enterprising students are merely using this as a cover up in order to mask the return of the Full-Moonshine dealership! Only time will tell.

We will be distributing this newsletter throughout the castle. If you have been separated from your friends, make your way if possible to Gryffindor Tower, which remains as yet unbreached by the intruders. Of course, you'll have to put up with the sickening sight of Potter and Black canoodling, so staying put and being eaten may be preferable.

--

Minor News:

As announced at the end of term feast, Gryffindor beat Hufflepuff by thirty-five points to take the House Cup this year, with Slytherin trailing behind in fourth place with only two hundred and seventy-five points.

--

Bertha Jorkins and Davy Gudgeon were discovered in a compromising position in one of the Potions classrooms earlier this week. Their claim that they were practising for the end of term Latin dance competition has not been refuted by other members of Hogwarts' Modern Dance Society, though this reporter has suspicions as to whether the Latin aspect of the dance requires both parties to be so scantily clad.

--

Features:

At great risk to our own lives, Get Snitched have endeavoured to speak with one of these undead attackers. You can read the full interview by touching your wand to the text below.

Are you campaining for undead rights?Collapse )


Rita Skeeter
kissy kissy
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SNITCHED! - PRESS CONFERENCE EXCLUSIVE [Dec. 15th, 2006|05:47 pm]
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Welcome! Welcome, everyone.

Come on, squash in. No need to be shy. Now, as some of you know, due to a rather unfortunate incident I was banned from publishing this newsletter until the New Year, but don't you worry. I'll be back before you know it to fill you in on all the juicy gossip.

In the meantime, the powers that be have graciously agreed to let me hold this modest little press conference. There's butterbeer at the back there, or pumpkin juice for the younger students and Lupin. Don't look at me like that, young lady. I know what you're like with half a shandy in you. As, I might point out, does the rest of the school.

Now, How are we all today? Any questions before we begin?
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SNITCHED! – DRUNKENNESS AND DEPRAVITY [Jun. 21st, 2006|01:01 am]
Get Snitched!
Headline News:

All students are warned to Watch Out! this week, as the Hogwarts Black Market spirals out of control. It seems that some students have been illegally producing alcohol and selling it to the general student populace disguised as knockoff cold and hayfever remedies. There have been reports of students as young as first and second years holding raves in the Charms classrooms and staggering through the corridors half dressed between classes.

Clearly this depravity cannot be allowed to continue. The minds of our innocents are being ruined, and it isn't even due to Sirius Black! (Though should we perhaps be suspicious of the name Black Market!?)

Everyone ought to make sure they are on the lookout for suspicious behaviour. Any information regarding the brewing or distribution of this so-called 'Full-Moonshine' must be brought immediately to the attention of either the Get Snitched team or a member of the teaching staff.

Reliable sources point to the sixth year Slytherins as highly likely candidates for this shocking venture, and no doubt their endeavours are being led by none other than sixth year prefect Severus Snape, a master of manipulation and enterprise.

Do not allow this horror to continue! Hooch leads to revelry! Revelry leads to Disco!

Just say NO to Moonshine Disco, kids.


Rita Skeeter
Kissy kissy
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SNITCHED! – ARSON AND ARSE-BANDITRY [May. 30th, 2006|09:06 pm]
Get Snitched!
Publishing laws enforced in Hogwarts by the sixth year Prefects have recently made distribution of these leaflets difficult, however thanks to a rather nifty little loophole discovered in the rules, Get Snitched is now back in circulation with a bumper issue to get you all up to speed on the debauched goings-on of Hogwarts' teeming underworld.

Headline News:

Demonstrating a disturbing leap of sanity, James Potter (sixth year, Gryffindor) set fire to his dormitory in a desperate cry for attention from his boyfriend, Sirius Black (sixth year, Gryffindor), who it appears has spurned Potter’s affections in favour of another close friend, Remus Lupin.

We at Get Snitched see it as a startling coincidence that Mister Lupin should have been in the dormitory in question at the time Potter set alight to it, and what’s more that Potter should have blamed the incident on Lupin’s fellow sixth year Prefect, Lily Evans. Evans is a model student and steadfast upholder of the school rules, despite her fondness for tipping the velvet, and the suggestion that she might have performed deliberate arson is preposterous to say the least.

It has been speculated that Potter could not have conducted such a calculated attack alone, and the timely disappearance of another Gryffindor sixth year, Peter Pettigrew, is rumoured to be linked to these shocking occurrences. Whether Pettigrew was an accomplice who knew too much, or whether he happened to discover what Potter was planning to do and had to be dealt with, we do not know. If you have any information as to Pettigrew’s whereabouts, please contact us.

Following the attempted murder of his best friend, Potter then started getting intimate with Lily Evans, perhaps in a vain attempt to spark jealousy in Black. When this failed, he staged an asthma attack, convincing everyone he was dying.

Potter seems to be even more of a cruel, calculating sort than Black, and Get Snitched would advise students to keep well away from him. Indeed, Potter makes Black seem like a puppy in comparison.

--

Minor News:

Much to the amusement of many, Remus Lupin (sixth year, Gryffindor) sprained his ankle recently, a fact that was exploited continuously by his friends. However, this entertaining little jaunt turned sour when Lupin and a friend decided to experiment with drugs. Such behaviour in a Prefect is utterly disgraceful, and Get Snitched will be taking this information to Professor Dumbledore.

Just say no to disco drugs.

Perhaps still under the influence of these drugs, Lupin was later to be found scaling the roof of Gryffindor Tower in an inappropriate state of dress. These events are grave indeed, though Get Snitched has since learned that Lupin may have been cajoled into performing these acts by the infamous Sirius Black, a fact which doesn’t surprise us at all.

--

Lily Evans (sixth year, Gryffindor), Prefect and lesbian, seems to have added another string to her bow. Rumours have been flying of her supposed vampirism. In a disturbing chain of events, Hogwarts seems to be overrun with madmen and dark creatures. Before we know it there’ll be werewolves in our midst. Get Snitched advises everyone to take extra care, particularly those in Gryffindor.

--

Our resident bumboys, Lupin and Black, made their relationship official the other day, following Lupin’s near-death experience. Since then they have been involved in various disgusting endeavours, first in the Prefect’s bathroom, during which Black supposedly suffered a rather humiliating experience.

Lupin was also spotted later that week exposing himself indecently in the library. Black’s influence is highly suspected.

--

Advertisements:

Sirius Black (sixth year, Gryffindor) would like to know if there are any other students interested in forming a knitting circle. Black has recently been taking up new hobbies and would like to encourage others to do the same. The group will meet on Wednesdays in Professor Flitwick’s Charms classroom.


Rita Skeeter
Kissy kissy
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(no subject) [Mar. 27th, 2006|12:17 am]
Get Snitched!
Warm felicitations to all my dedicated readers. Today I bring you a very special report on one of Hogwarts' most infamous occupants.

Ladies and gentlemen, ghosts, elves and Snapes, I present to you a tale of mystery, intrigue and debauchery. This, is Sirius Black.

Not content merely to wreak havoc with the once-innocent minds of certain friends by seducing them and thoroughly ruining their good reputation, Mister Black has apparently been working his way through the school, slutting his way from one respectable student to the next like a particularly promiscuous bumblebee.

"He cornered me in the Quidditch shed" says Davy Gudgeon, eyes glistening with the horrific remembrances "He said it was all part of inter-house relations and if I told anyone he'd feed me to a werewolf"

This blatant and shocking example of bullying and intimidation just goes to show that Black is clearly in need of psychiatric attention, or possibly a well-timed castration. And this is only the beginning, it's also rumoured that Black was discovered in flagrante with both Rodolphus and Rabastan Lestrange of Slytherin, by a sixth year Hufflepuff, Bertram Aubrey. That Aubrey was later that same week hexed in a vicious attack by Black and his cohort Potter comes of little surprise.

Mister Black's exploits are not limited to students, however, nor even - to this reporter's horror and disgust - to human beings. His debauched and perverted cavorting appears to involve a certain caretaker's precious feline, Mrs. Norris. The Get Snitched Team are disturbed and appalled to discover that there are indeed things in this world worse than disco.

A few of Black's other unsavoury tastes appear to include a disturbing fondness for other people's toes, a strange fixation on Gryffindor's head of house, Professor Minerva McGonagall, and of course an unhealthy obsession with disco. Not to mention he apparently shares his bed with a teddy bear named Mr. Giggles. The mind reels. Get Snitched recommends that Mister Black consider hermitry as a future career, or perhaps offers himself up as a test subject for new potions.

"He was born with an extra toe on his left foot. There's still a scar left from its removal." - Regulus Black

I think, as I'm sure you'll agree, that really says it all.


Rita Skeeter
Kissy kissy
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SNITCHED! - SLAVERY AND SNOGGING [Mar. 16th, 2006|07:23 pm]
Get Snitched!
Headline News:

Aiden Lynch (first year, Ravenclaw) has been discovered to be working in the service of one Gaspard Shingleton (seventh year, Slytherin). The boy claims he was kidnapped after Charms on Tuesday and has been passed from student to student, sold as a slave on the school's black market trade. Get Snitched is firmly against any sort of slavery and has therefore begun a campaign to abolish the capture and enslavement of first years.

"They made me lick their shoes clean" says traumatised Aiden, shivering from beneath a blanket.

"We were just trying to teach him valuable life skills" – Gaspard Shingleton

It is suspected that the enslavement trend (believed to be spread far wider throughout the school) was founded by a group of Slytherins. No suspects have yet been identified, but Get Snitched certainly have their own ideas as to possible culprits. Anyone with any information, we beg you to come forward. Put an end to slavery! And disco.

--

Minor News:

The school's gamekeeper Rubeus Hagrid has complained of disturbances in his vegetable patch. Apparently a large number of root vegetables have been mysteriously disappearing in the night, and there are currently no clues to suggest who might be behind this veg-napping.

Again, anyone with information, please do let us know. Hagrid's patch is counting on you.

--

Gilderoy Lockhart (fifth year, Hufflepuff) has reported missing a most beloved friend, a teddy bear named Aloysius. He's offering a substantial reward and sexual favours for the bear's safe return

--

The illustrious Get Snitched team have finally managed to procure an interview with the elusive Marlene McKinnon, so prepare yourselves for some probing questions and some very frank answers.

So tell us, does Dorcas Meadowes really have a penis?Collapse )

--

Don't forget to send in any questions and comments to us. In the next issue we hope to bring you some exclusive, hitherto unknown facts about Sirius Black. You heard it here first!


Rita Skeeter
Kissy kissy
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SNITCHED! - DOILIES AND DYKES [Mar. 13th, 2006|11:49 am]
Get Snitched!
Minor News

Following our mention in the last issue of a certain Gryffindor's missing doily collection, Peter Pettigrew is now holding a Doily Amnesty to ensure the safe return of the doilies, and the safety of everyone around him. Sharp implements may be employed. Get Snitched suggests that perhaps Mister Pettigrew should try a course of intense psychotherapy, as not only does he clearly have an unhealthy obsession with his doilies, he also appears to have anger management issues. This is, however, a common Gryffindor trait. It’s all down to shouting, as far as they’re concerned.

--

Investigations are still continuing into the sexual preferences of James Potter's new girlfriend, though opinions were swayed slightly by last night's bed-breaking dormitory romp fest the two apparently embarked on. It's rumoured that following this outright bout of vandalism, all the boys in the dormitory were forced to share one bed, Potter and his dyke having broken every other in the room.

--

The school's caretaker Argus Filch appears to have found his way into his 'diary' once again. Please guard your communications carefully, and do not let these newsletters fall into the wrong hands. Having said that, if they do, Get Snitched has ways of making sure we stay in business.

--

And now, as promised, an interview with Miss Mister Remus Lupin.

So tell us about your collection of exciting underwearCollapse )


Following the previous interview, I managed to catch up with Remus again in the library and put to him a couple of questions that were suggested by some of you.

Leave me alone, you blood-sucking vulture!Collapse )

And that, as they say, is that.


Rita Skeeter
Kissy kissy
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SNITCHED! - JUST SAY NO TO DISCO [Mar. 12th, 2006|02:29 pm]
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Never ones to pass up an excuse to party, the Gryffindors once again danced the night away on Friday in celebration of Remus Lupin's seventeenth birthday. It's a well known fact that disco can't go far without gay hanging on its coattails, but the homosexual ambience was practically running down the walls.

While we at Get Snitched like to try as much as possible to prevent our personal opinions clouding our judgment, we must point out that we do not condone disco in any form, and particularly when Gryffindors are involved. Disco is Dangerous. Say no to Disco.

"I've never seen such a foetid den of debauchery" - Regulus Black

Well we have, Regulus. We have. And it's called The Christmas Gryffinslut Orgy.

--

As promised we have located Mister (or Miss?) Lupin and will be interviewing him shortly. Any and all questions you have for him will be immensely welcome. Make him squirm for me.

Also I have been asked to include this plea for the location of a missing doily collection, at the behest of one Peter Pettigrew, Gryffindor. A substantial reward may or may not be provided for their safe return. Sirius Black will be castrated if they don't make an appearance soon. Oh dear.


Rita Skeeter
Kissy kissy
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SNITCHED! - DENIAL AND DEBAUCHERY [Mar. 9th, 2006|01:39 pm]
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In a bold statement this week, Remus Lupin declared that he is most definitely not gay. Strong words indeed. His friends and loved ones seem to have taken the news badly.

"We had such hopes for him" – James Potter

"It's his own fault his best pair of underpants are now little more than cinders, not mine" – Peter Pettigrew

(Opinion is divided over the meaning of this statement. We hope to bring you more coverage after an extensive investigation of the sixth year dormitory.)

--

Following this declaration of solid heterosexuality, Lupin has since been discovered to be having illicit relations with his friend Sirius Black. Though both vehemently deny these rumours, a photograph has been discovered of the two in a carnal embrace (which is not, as some readers thought, the act of embracing a side of beef). What's more, there was apparently a heavy amount of chocolate abuse underway, and as was reported last week, Lupin claimed to have given up the vice for Lent. Not to mention that his cohort had claimed he was giving up any form of self-pleasure until Easter.

We are, as you can no doubt imagine, entirely shocked and dismayed by this story. Especially that we didn't get to watch. A sentiment shared, it seems, by many occupants of Gryffinslut Gryffindor Tower.

-Sirius Black has refused to either confirm or deny the rumour that he fainted at the sight of Lupin having a nosebleed.

-Remus Lupin has refused to either confirm or deny the rumour that the nosebleed was caused by a rather overzealous orgasm.

--

The apparent conflict between Lupin's behaviour and the things he says, aside from casting doubt on his suitability as a Prefect, also leads us to believe that perhaps he is telling the truth about his sexuality and that there is a deeper meaning to this.

Could Remus Lupin in fact be a girl?

Keep watching for an in-depth and extremely probing interview with Mister (or Miss?) Lupin in the next issue.

--

In other news, James Potter has claimed that he has finally found someone stupid enough to go out with him. Reporters are even now tracking down Miss McKinnon in the hopes of either confirming or denying this. General rumour insists that she is in fact a lesbian, but as yet we have no solid evidence either way.


Rita Skeeter
Kissy kissy
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SNITCHED! - CHRISTMAS SLUTDOM ORGY ROMP SHOCKER [Dec. 27th, 2005|01:46 pm]
Get Snitched!
Good morning campers, rise and shine! Or perhaps not in the case of the Gryffindors.

For those of you who weren't awoken by the sounds of raucous merriment that continued for much of the night, the Gryffindors celebrated Christmas last night in high style, with plenty of sex, drugs and rock and roll. At least, there was certainly plenty of alcohol involved.

Termed by one embittered independent observer as a 'Gryffinslut orgy', the party and its goers were really pushing the boat out. Not to mention sinking it and having to send for the coast guard whilst they baled out water.

We shall endeavour to explore the state of Sirius Black's mouth gums, in the event that anyone is interested.

--

Gryffindor's daring Quidditch captain James Potter was as per usual making a complete fool of himself, but this is hardly noteworthy. What is worth our attention, however, is the shameful behaviour displayed by both sixth year prefects, Lily Evans and Remus Lupin. How such polite, mild-mannered people managed to disgrace themselves so completely is a mystery, and we can only assume that the pull of Gryffindor insanity has finally gained some sway over them.

Potter is said to be furious about his best friend having a drunken fumble with "the girl of his dreams"

Lily Evans refused to comment on this, explaining that if Potter's having dreams about her then she really doesn't want to know.

Remus Lupin was, unfortunately, unavailable for questioning, but we have tracked down the infamous Sirius Black and will be questioning him later on his shocking (and extremely homosexual) behaviour. Particularly his inventive use of mistletoe.

--

I wish you all a Merry Christmas, and hope you have a better time of it than the Gryffinsluts, who currently all have their heads in toilets.


Rita Skeeter
Kissy kissy
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