|SNITCHED! – ARSON AND ARSE-BANDITRY
||[May. 30th, 2006|09:06 pm]
Publishing laws enforced in Hogwarts by the sixth year Prefects have recently made distribution of these leaflets difficult, however thanks to a rather nifty little loophole discovered in the rules, Get Snitched is now back in circulation with a bumper issue to get you all up to speed on the debauched goings-on of Hogwarts' teeming underworld.|
Demonstrating a disturbing leap of sanity, James Potter (sixth year, Gryffindor) set fire to his dormitory in a desperate cry for attention from his boyfriend, Sirius Black (sixth year, Gryffindor), who it appears has spurned Potter’s affections in favour of another close friend, Remus Lupin.
We at Get Snitched see it as a startling coincidence that Mister Lupin should have been in the dormitory in question at the time Potter set alight to it, and what’s more that Potter should have blamed the incident on Lupin’s fellow sixth year Prefect, Lily Evans. Evans is a model student and steadfast upholder of the school rules, despite her fondness for tipping the velvet, and the suggestion that she might have performed deliberate arson is preposterous to say the least.
It has been speculated that Potter could not have conducted such a calculated attack alone, and the timely disappearance of another Gryffindor sixth year, Peter Pettigrew, is rumoured to be linked to these shocking occurrences. Whether Pettigrew was an accomplice who knew too much, or whether he happened to discover what Potter was planning to do and had to be dealt with, we do not know. If you have any information as to Pettigrew’s whereabouts, please contact us.
Following the attempted murder of his best friend, Potter then started getting intimate with Lily Evans, perhaps in a vain attempt to spark jealousy in Black. When this failed, he staged an asthma attack, convincing everyone he was dying.
Potter seems to be even more of a cruel, calculating sort than Black, and Get Snitched would advise students to keep well away from him. Indeed, Potter makes Black seem like a puppy in comparison.
Much to the amusement of many, Remus Lupin (sixth year, Gryffindor) sprained his ankle recently, a fact that was exploited continuously by his friends. However, this entertaining little jaunt turned sour when Lupin and a friend decided to experiment with drugs. Such behaviour in a Prefect is utterly disgraceful, and Get Snitched will be taking this information to Professor Dumbledore.
Just say no to
Perhaps still under the influence of these drugs, Lupin was later to be found scaling the roof of Gryffindor Tower in an inappropriate state of dress. These events are grave indeed, though Get Snitched has since learned that Lupin may have been cajoled into performing these acts by the infamous Sirius Black, a fact which doesn’t surprise us at all.
Lily Evans (sixth year, Gryffindor), Prefect and lesbian, seems to have added another string to her bow. Rumours have been flying of her supposed vampirism. In a disturbing chain of events, Hogwarts seems to be overrun with madmen and dark creatures. Before we know it there’ll be werewolves in our midst. Get Snitched advises everyone to take extra care, particularly those in Gryffindor.
Our resident bumboys, Lupin and Black, made their relationship official the other day, following Lupin’s near-death experience. Since then they have been involved in various disgusting endeavours, first in the Prefect’s bathroom, during which Black supposedly suffered a rather humiliating experience.
Lupin was also spotted later that week exposing himself indecently in the library. Black’s influence is highly suspected.
Sirius Black (sixth year, Gryffindor) would like to know if there are any other students interested in forming a knitting circle. Black has recently been taking up new hobbies and would like to encourage others to do the same. The group will meet on Wednesdays in Professor Flitwick’s Charms classroom.